I had no idea what it was like to come down from a year long endurance test. We thought when the house was once again ours that we would just be back to normal immediately. Not so!! When your physical self is in constant adrenaline flow, that fight or flight response that comes when you sense danger, even when you are walking in faith, you don’t just immediately “get back to normal.” For one thing your soulish realm (mind, will, and emotions) has to come back into a rest and let go, without constantly focusing on the one thing you were believing for. I couldn’t afford to let down my shield of faith for even a moment. I have experienced weird sensations of exhaustion and irritableness. It has been kind of like that letdown after Christmas as a kid. Something you are so into that it consumes you and then, just like that, it is over. I found myself longing for the constancy of the trial, believe it or not. I was so close to Jesus throughout the ordeal for survival, that when it was over I had to make a conscious effort to keep that presence going in every day normal life. I missed Him. I realized whose fault that was right away; certainly not His. So, back to the dining room table I went (where I meet Him in the mornings) and began my journal talking to Him once again; Onto bigger things with Jesus. Only I don’t know what those bigger things are yet. Another adventure!!
First I must look at what I learned throughout this trial of huge proportions. I still marvel at how it all happened and the miracle that no one can refute was straight from God. People who know us are still shaking their heads and marveling. It truly was not just about us. That I do know. It is not that we are different or have more faith than others. I believe we have been examples, used by Him to help others realize the full potential of how we were all meant to live; In the Gospel of Kingdom living that He so completely provided for us. If this walk speaks to even one that He is all powerful and no respecter of persons, and that He will do the same for anyone who calls upon His name it will be worth it.
So many times I struggled with feelings and perceptions about losing my house. But soon realized that feelings could not be the basis of what I was standing for. Faith believes in things you cannot see or feel. Faith comes from knowing Him. The more we have an intimate relationship with Him and listen to Him, either through His word or through time just spent sitting at His feet, the more we trust Him to do what He says He will do. As I look back over the blog of the whole story I realize that I went through the throes of grief in the whole process until I had finally accepted His perfect will and if that meant giving up my home, then I had to be willing. The biggest thing I now see in clarity is that His deliverance came from us losing the house altogether, when it sold out from under us in a day’s time. If we had not lost the house we would never have witnessed His miracle working power in getting it back to us, with smaller payments, and with such a huge opportunity to buy it back at less than what we owed in the first place. I ask you. When does that happen? Difficulty does not necessarily mean disaster. Heavy winds and seas don’t necessarily mean you’re on the wrong course. It sometimes means we are right on target.
Keeping the faith requires a fight. 2 Timothy says to “fight the good fight of faith”. At times the evidence against us stacks up so high against the assurances that we figure there is no way this could happen and we are tempted to just give up. If we had given up and moved out even a day before our eviction date we would not have seen His promise come to pass. Oh, I believe He would have had a plan B for us elsewhere, but oh the glory of His miraculous power of the moment that we would have missed. Boy, the absolute adrenaline that flowed that day before the deadline, when we knew that if we had to leave we had no place to go because we decided to make no provision for ourselves, was all consuming.
But, you know, the biggest thing I can say to you at this point about faith is this: We can know what the bible teaches us about it. We can hear the testimonies of others that will build our own faith. We can sit under anointed teachers who teach us about it. But, for me, the real answer is in knowing Him, the Author and Finisher of our faith. Without truly knowing Him in that intimate sense of Him being your everything, or being so connected to Him you don’t make a move without His peace, or building your intimacy with Him to the place where there is absolute trust that He has your back, you will struggle with believing He has your very best in His hands. If we don’t know Him intimately we don’t trust Him with our whole beings. That, to me, is true Kingdom living.
Coming in the next blog: Does God Still Use Angels, really?