I have decided to post the next two chapters of the book this time as I am getting many requests for more. So, you will get “Deeper Still” in this post, and then will follow with “Addicted to Ministry” in the next post today. If you are enjoying my story please let me know by commenting at the bottom.
I continued to persevere in my growth as a Christian and took bible college classes, became a worship leader and Sunday school teacher. We paid our tithes regularly. We supported many building funds for the church. And we should have been giving to those who really needed the help. As the years progressed my life at church became much more exciting than my marriage. At church I was validated as being important. Church was my life. It consumed most of my waking moments. At this point I didn’t equate anything I was doing with my past as an incest survivor. I still had never told a single soul. I truly believed I would go to the grave with the secret. After all, I was born again and a new person, so the past was gone and I had no need to go back there and visit it. But my neediness began to grow through my denial. I was a young fervent woman. I thought that I was just fine the way I was. So much so that I didn’t recognize my need for healing of my innermost self as a result of childhood abuse. I filled those needs instead with church activities. If I was unhappy with my husband I would busy myself in more activities and not confront the issues. I believed avoiding problems kept me holy and away from negative issues. Unfortunately, what it really did is allow me to not deal with anything I was unhappy about and allowed me to escape into church life. I was living in denial. A dam filling with water with no outlet eventually overflows.
My busy work for the Lord was all consuming. The sad thing was that I equated that fervor and love for God in my service to Him, not in my relationship with Him. I mistakenly “knew” I couldn’t be accepted on my own merit. Remember, I was flawed. I still had the nagging thought in the back of my mind that I had ticked off God by being born, so I had to be careful. I was trying to earn my way to a higher position as spiritual leader. Oh I thought I had it so together—that I had a deep relationship with Him. What happened in other families in the church, divorce and children that run astray, just wasn’t going to happen to me. I knew the Word and how to make sure my children were different. I didn’t believe in divorce so, of course, it could never happen to me. I would criticize other couples whose marriages broke up for not following Godly principles yet I wasn’t even dealing with my own marital problems. I actually taught classes on marriage. I thought the pictures I created were more real than my growing unhappiness with my own marriage. I mistakenly thought I was walking in faith.