I was hoping we wouldn’t find ourselves at the 11th hour, but here we are. We are certainly caught up in the winds of adversity. It is not fun, but in a way, to be totally at the Lord’s mercy for your provision in your home is kind of wreckless and a place of total surrender. We have no choice at this point…if this is your first read on this story please start at Part 1. Thanks for hanging in there with us!!
January 31, 2012
I am beginning to feel as if this trial is almost over, seriously. This morning the Lord brought me this word out of Deuteronomy: “You have circled the mountain long enough. Now turn North.” It made me laugh when I read it. God is so good. He is humorous with us if we have a sense of humor and can appreciate it. Yeah , Jesus, I think I am sick of this mountain…thanks for the direction!!! North is where I am heading. Wherever that is…..I think it means ‘up’…….I know He will show me when the time comes.
I find myself waking up early in the morning trying to figure out where I will move all my plants to if we put things in storage. And where will we set up our computers so we can continue to do our work. I was working out the whole scenario in my mind until I realized what I was doing. “Don’t think about tomorrow,” He says. “I will take care of your tomorrows.”
I am sure when this is over I will be overwhelmed with the things I have learned along this frightful and insecure journey. Already I am beginning to feel like a well worn traveler, with wise old eyes, having walked the path of uncertainty and fear, and when I get to the mountain top I will be able to look around me and tell others that it was well worth the pain to get to that place. He certainly talked to me all the way through this and told me to rest in Him. Why did I falter at times? The God of the universe spoke to me!!! Why would I still doubt? One of the words that opened my eyes came after posting the last blog. It was from a friend who said this:
“I sure empathize with you…it’s hard not to waver! But what you said is what I believe God wants!
“I know I sound like a child right now but that is how I feel. I want to cry “Papa, take care of me. Hold me. Tell me this will get better”……doesn’t sound very spiritual I know, but yet it is as spiritual as I am right now.”
He wants us to be totally dependent and come to Him like a little child, just like you just did. It’s OK to want comfort and reassurance. Maybe feeling out of control and weak is what He was waiting for. I know you know the scripture 2 Cor 12:9. And He seems to like waiting until the very last minute to rescue us to test our faith. Hang in there! He IS faithful!”
Wow!! Such profound truth. He was waiting for me to let go of everything and trust Him like a child, whose only source of comfort and provision was from Him. It was a weakness that caused great fear and a feeling of being totally out of control. But that left me totally where he wanted me to be. That has to come in layers in our lives, and how can we ever get there without these trials? It reminds me of when I was nursing my children. I felt a profound sense of oneness with God as my child took his/her nourishment from only me. They were totally reliant on me for their very life. It is a wonderful feeling for a new Mom. I believe we are to come to Him as an infant; totally reliant on Him to keep us nourished and alive and in His will. And we can let a very personal God rock us in his big ol’ rocking chair when we get freightened.
February 2, 2012
We haven’t heard from Sandee in 3 days. This feels like free falling in darkness, not knowing where we will land. Yet, oddly, in worldly terms, feeling a sense of wonder absolutely knowing I am a part of a huge plan that only He knows about and whatever comes He will get me through it with victory. However, the minute I get into my mind and take it off the Lord and allow torture thoughts to come in, I lose ground. And now the internet is down and I can’t work on my writing, check my blog, or work with my coaching. Satan is the principality of the air. He must be mad he is losing.
So many in the body of Christ enter a relationship with God that brings salvation through His Son, Jesus. But God actually created us to experience not only the gospel of salvation but the gospel of the Kingdom. He wants us to experience His power and presence every day of our lives and see His hand at work in the details of our lives. He must be more than an ‘honored’ guest into our house (heart) He must have the key to our houses (hearts) and our lives. When I give Him access to every part of me and continue to surrender everything, including my dwelling place, to Him, He is free to work the circumstances so that I am walking in His perfect will. For me, I am in a time of trial and persecution which I know won’t last forever, but will work His perfect will in me in the end. If I was just walking in the gospel of salvation only, without a clue that He wants an intimate relationship with me, I would probably be on Prozac by now. A miracle has already occurred in my heart and mind that while I am still uncertain of the outcome I once again find peace.
February 5, 2012
Here we are at the 11th hour. I wish I could tell you about the warfare that has been going on, but trust me, it has been huge and very stress inducing. We are almost there but satan doesn’t like it because he has been trying all sorts of diversions and attacks. I have to continually run to the Lord and just cry, ‘help’. I don’t know what else to say. When the mind becomes clouded and the reasoning disappears I have learned to just shut down my mind and cling to Him with all that I can. And you know what? He is always, always there. And somehow He brings peace in the middle of a tornado.
Lord, I don’t know what to say. We are at the midnight hour, just about a week to know whether we move or stay. No time to find a home now. You know this. In a way, at this point it is kind of exciting to be here, free falling into You with no end in site. It is either you will perform a miracle and we will stay or you will perform a miracle in showing us where we will go. You will not let us down. Of this I am certain. It is the uncertainty that plays games with the mind. It is so against our common reasoning as mere humans to not have a plan when it comes to provision. It is amazing how this ordeal is so out of our hands and into Yours. I see myself sitting right next to You like that picture of the last supper and John is snuggled up to You with his head on your shoulder. That’s me Lord. Wrapped up in You forever.
Jesus says: Pay no attention to the swirling winds. Did I not say the winds are blowing. They have been more vicious than you ever thought they would be. Again, I say the warfare has been great and if you could only see the battle you would be astounded. But my plan will not be stopped. Just stay by my side through the next many days, keep your head on my shoulder and cling to me my child. You are my joy and I rejoice over you with my awesome love.
Stay tuned for Part 7!!