Breaking the Chains of My Relationship with Food~~And Silencing the Voice

brokenchains In breaking the stronghold of food over my life it was not about just being instantly delivered from the desire to eat.   It was not about just losing weight either.   I knew that losing weight would be a by-product of an even deeper healing.   It became a quest of understanding how it unravels the tentacles of the relationship I had with food.  As I began to understand more of why I struggled so, the entrance of that light brought healing in increments and slowly I emerged from the darkness of desperation.

I began to look at my relationship with food.  Because I was so miserable as a child living with a Dad who physically abused me until I was 12, and then emotionally until I left home, I found comfort in the foods I could get my hands on.   My Mom was constantly rationing food out to me, not because she was mean, but because she wanted to save money and needed to be in control of how much food was eaten in the house.   She was raised during the depression and was very poor as a child.   Money greatly impressed her and as a result, I always felt like I didn’t get enough.   

I have come to understand, however, that what was really going on is that I really desired to get what I needed from my mother emotionally. 

When she offered no comfort or affection, I turned to food.  And because she always saw me as fat, being larger than her 5 foot frame, she wanted me to not eat.   So, I would sneak food and find every opportunity to comfort myself with it.

If you just approach weight loss from what you are eating and going on diets it is just an endless cycle.  If you never get to the deeper issues of why you eat and the way you eat, it is like putting a temporary band aid on to only have it ripped off again and again. Then you eat more to comfort yourself. 

It is time to get off the merry-go-round.

It has never been truth that the value of a person, spirit, soul, and body, is dependent on a number on a scale.  When we start defining ourselves by what we weigh, deep in our minds, we rebel. 

We were created to be balanced in all of our being to fully enjoy Kingdom living in all of its wonder and passion.   If we leave the possibility behind that we will never get to experience that in our lives because we will never measure up to our own expectations of being thin, we will always have this underlying feeling that something is missing.

When I began to release myself from “The Voice” and all those things that were said to me about my largeness growing up, I suddenly realized how long I had been mistaking its death grip on my life.    I could then ask myself honestly if I was comfortable at this weight.

Uhhh, NO! 

I was not comfortable. 

My health was failing. 

The weight was making me old and sluggish.

I realized that listening to and engaging in the chatter of “The Voice” kept me outside myself.  It kept me bound up in the box of my stronghold.   Those words shamed me and made me embarrassed of how I looked.  I would feel a sense of panic when I saw a picture of myself.  wordofmouth

Releasing myself from the grip of The Voice, that felt so much like me, felt like ripping something from my psychic; separating my body from my mind.  Yet, for so many years I equated most everything I did with how I looked doing it.   It seemed I was always standing outside myself watching myself, not in a loving accepting way, but in a critical way, hating what I was seeing. 

Funny, too, that I always saw my mom standing there talking into my ear telling me I was unacceptable and didn’t measure up.

Revelation:   Could it be that part of me didn’t want to get rid of The Voice because it somehow kept me close to the mother I so longed for?

I was not aware of how much I was under the influence of the Voice until I began to eradicate it from my mind.     And with its departure I felt weak at first and diminished, somehow.     When I was in total agreement with The Voice I had convinced myself that my only recourse is to be ashamed of myself and to continually try harder to get it right.  I didn’t realize that the only way to get it right is to get rid of The Voice and crawl out of the yo-yo box of dieting to try to get it right.

When The Voice left in increments as I grew into a mindfulness and awareness of who I really was outside of my distorted image of myself, it was like breathing for the first time in my life free of all pollutants.    I knew my accuser, satan, had no more of a foothold into my head, and I could now separate from that which is not me.

I could separate from:

My story of how unredeemable I was.

My shame at how many years it has taken me to finally get it.

And I could now learn to love life without the familiar record playing in my mind of my past.

And I was less willing to endure suffering as a result of my compulsive eating.

I chose freedom over familiarity.

 

Watch for my next post where I will share how God began to lead me in discovery of the  physical aspect in getting healthy.   And, to answer your questions, the weight is indeed coming off, and I will share with you how it is happening.  It took a lifetime to get at this place and I am enjoying this new journey of discovery. 

I have to say that if I can do this so can you!!

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12 thoughts on “Breaking the Chains of My Relationship with Food~~And Silencing the Voice

  1. Dixie, “Choosing Freedom over Familiarity”…..that was a very deep message. This is an eye opener, and I thank you for sharing the truth you do! Love, Greg

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  2. Thanks, Dixie, for another piece of vulnerable, life-giving writing about your journey into wholeness. I am addressing similar issues in my own life- that of having channeled my attachment needs towards food.Jim Wilder of Shepherd’s House says that food is designed to create attachment to our feeder (whether it be parent or God, Himself) but we often attach to the food instead. This certainly proves true in my life. He has a series of talks called Attachment With God that are worth a listen. Here’s the link: http://www.lifemodel.org/product.php?type=audio&rn=123

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    • You know, I have been thinking that maybe it should. Maybe one of those new kindle mini books….I think it just might be of interest judging from the responses I have been getting!! ♥

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  3. Oh Dixie. This is exactly me right now. Watching myself, hating photographs of myself, feeling disgusted with the woman in the mirror. There are no photos in existence of me while pregnant. No family photos in the albums with me in them. Can’t go to parties because I’ve nothing to wear, deeply, deeply ashamed.
    My eating and the way I look affects every single aspect of my life. I eat for emotional reasons – the obvious ones, like comfort, boredom, anxiety, tiredness – but I know there’s something else deep in there that I can’t fathom. Looking for approval? Constantly concerned with what people think… I know there’s something there but I don’t know where my problems with eating began.
    I so want to hear how you got past this in your journey. I’m 42 and crippled by my relationship with food. Is it possible that there’s a different life that I could live?
    I know that God can do all things but I can’t see how to get out from under this. Do I not have enough faith?
    The voice is always there.
    Thank you for this glimmer of hope. Can’t wait to hear more. Bless you. And praise Gid for a miracle story.

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    • I knew there were more of us out there who were struggling with this…thank you so much for your transparency Helen!! This is your day of breaking the strongholds and walking into freedom!!!! I am so excited to see how He is going to do that in your life. He knows your heart and your struggles better than you do and has so much He wants to show you. I will be praying and if I can help in any way, email me!!! ♥♥
      PS: With your permission I would very much like to quote this letter in my next blog as an example of the voice women are hearing. I can use your name of make it anonymous….(of course those who read this blog already know its you, lol)

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      • Of course you can use it, Dixie, any way you want. Just correct my typo in the last paragraph, would you? Praise Gid indeed…. 🙂
        Thank you for your offer of help; I might take you up on that if I can work out how!
        At the beginning of this year I chose my ‘One word’ for 2013 and I had a strong feeling that it was to be ‘Heal’. God is already working through my word in so many ways that I couldn’t have imagined but I so hope that He is planning to help me sort out my relationship with food. He died to set me free but I feel far from free.
        Thanks again. x

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    • Helen- this struck me when you wrote – I’m 42 and crippled by my relationship with food. Is it possible that there’s a different life that I could live?
      I know that God can do all things but I can’t see how to get out from under this. Do I not have enough faith?

      I am a 51 year old woman, and have been dealing with weight and weight-loss issues since I was a teenager. I’m walking this journey also. Like DIxie says in one of her comments, it’s really something to learn there are others out there with the same overwhelming, encompassing stronghold.

      Please do not think you do not have enough faith. That is not true. Perhaps it needs to grow, or be stretched or challenged, but you have all that you need to be victorious, right now, just as you are. For me, it all came down to the choices I was making. I was giving food a power that it didn’t have – the power to be my friend, make me happy, and give me joy – and that only God has. I lost 20 lbs over the past year by making one choice after the other- most of them right, some of them wrong, but it all starts with a choice. We have hundreds of choices about a myriad of things every day, and quite a few of them have to do with what we are going to consume. I found that by releasing food from the power it didn’t have in the first place, and by looking to God and God only to meet my emotional needs, it was easier to make the right choices because I wasn’t expecting the food to “do” anything for me.

      That’s just the tip of the iceberg- if you’d like to know more, feel free to email me at bcoulton(at)msn(dot)com and I’d be happy to share more with you. Yes, there IS a different life you could live! Do not be discouraged – be encouraged. There is help, and there is hope.

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  4. I surely will!! Indeed it sounds very much like Father has you on a journey of breaking out of old patterns and strongholds from the past my friend!! Just another layer of freedom. You can do this…..we can work out Coaching if you desire it…we would just need to schedule our times differently…I have a friend in Deal that has a phone that offers free overseas connections…if interested I could find out about it for you….meanwhile I am praying for your journey….

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  5. I ID with so many of these comments. I especially LOVE what Beth said above: I give food a power it doesn’t have–to be my friend, make me happy, and give me joy–that only God has. Oh how timely these posts are, Dixie. Thank you, God for leading me here. Thank you, Dixie. I am desperate to be free but not knowing how.

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