Recently, I was in Costco by myself. I was kind of in a hurry– but how do you hurry through Costco? The store was teeming with the masses of humanity, seriously.
I forgot to eat before going, as usual, and of course I was starving. Being on a organic, grain free way of eating these days, the pickings were small when it comes to the free-food-Costco-hand-outs on every corner of every isle.
Because I didn’t take responsibility for feeding myself before shopping and I become a crazy person when I am hungry, (like I am going to die a slow death if I don’t eat), I decided to partake of various and sundry free food items while I was shopping, to assuage my hunger.
I never do this.
Okay, so I tend to be oblivious to everyone around me when I am shopping. I don’t know why, but I have had friends, as well as my husband, grab my cart away from me and pull it out of people’s way while shopping with them. I always thought they were being rude.
Now, I had combined shopping with eating and that is even more dangerous for me. Seriously, I can stroll around with my cart and literally clip other people’ carts (or them) and block them in the aisle or cut them off while I stand in their way looking at something–and not have a clue.
So, I found some veggie burgers that were organic at a food sampler. I ate one and was so hungry I circled around as if I hadn’t been there 2 minutes before and ate another.
I know you have done this too!
Then I went to the next food booth and had some organic turkey and cheese, followed up with a sip of a vitamin drink on the next aisle.
As I was having my feast with myself and feeling pretty smug that no one knew I was doing this, I became entwined in a cart traffic jam. I was honestly thinking, “Why do people always get in my way?”
I glanced behind me and there was a mean looking lady who had stopped behind me and she was just glaring at me. The look was one of disgust and disapproval. I thought, “Ok Dixie, pull up your skills with people, and smile. She’s probably just having a bad day and wants to take it out on you.”
So, I smiled at her.
At that very moment I realized I was in her way. She didn’t smile back.
Trying to be mature with a compassionate look on my face, I quipped, “Oh, am I blocking you.” And then I moved my cart. She gave me a dirty look and shook her head and went by mumbling something about stupid people.
At that moment it felt like I had stepped into a time machine.
I became 5 years old again.
I wanted to cower down behind my cart, or just disappear into oblivion. All my childhood moments of not feeling adequate and seeing myself as ugly, different and invisible came tumbling back into my mind.
I was no longer Dixie, the mature successful people person, but now I was Dixie, the chubby little girl that her Dad was molesting.
It only took a moment to be catapulted back to my former self. But that feeling lasted all day. I scolded myself and laughed at myself for taking her actions, look, and words on, as if to define who I am.
“I am not who she thinks I am. Wait, lady, I am not her. I am a mature woman of God now, and I am above letting you ruin my day!” I screamed in my head.
And the feeling lingered all day. On the inside of myself I once again had to face the fact that I am still human and still vulnerable to those triggers that can rob me of my peace, in only a moment’s time.
I am reminded once again that our journey in this life is one of pressing on with Jesus, no matter how many times our enemy wants to drag us back into our past. Satan is ever present waiting for the opportunity to catch us unaware in only a moment to make us think we have lost ground in our maturity in Christ. We must be on guard at all times to know that he is ready to pounce.
I Pet. 5:8 says: “Be well balanced, temperate, sober of mind, be vigilant and cautious at all times; for that enemy of yours, the devil, roams around like a lion roaring in fierce hunger, seeking someone to seize upon and devour.”
It only takes a look of disapproval to cause us to lose our footing in only a moment.
John 8:44 says of Satan: “He was a murderer from the beginning, and has nothing to do with the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies.”
So, he will use most anyone or anything he can to try to convince us that we are less than what God wants us to be. He will throw the past in your face in a second to try to grip your soul and make you see that you are really no different now, than you were when you struggled with fear and acceptance. It is a lie. Don’t fall for it.
Be on your guard. Refuse to believe what you know are lies. Know who you are in Christ and know that our own feelings, fueled by our fears, can lie to us about who we are– in reality– as His precious children.
♥ I am blessed in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing (Ephesians 1:3) ♥ I was chosen before the creation of the world (Ephesians 1:4, 11) ♥ I am holy and blameless (Ephesians 1:4) ♥ I am adopted as his child (Ephesians 1:5) ♥ I am given God’s glorious grace lavishly and without restriction (Ephesians 1:5, 8) ♥ I am in Him (Ephesians 1:7; 1 Corinthians 1:30)
Guilt over our pasts can be Satan’s flaming arrows sent to wound our sense of self esteem. But God has already dealt with all of our guilt; we only need to appropriate His solution for it. To fail to do this only opens the door for the enemy to take over our minds with fear and doubt.
Part of Kingdom living is being aware, that no matter what that person standing behind you thinks of you, you know who you are and how far He has brought you. And to stand in that truth no matter what your feelings are saying.