The following story was sent to me recently by a client I am coaching. I use it with her permission…it was too good not to share!
”I felt like having toast. I love toast.
I don’t eat it often- ok I don’t eat it as often as I would like.
As a middle aged woman, toast is not my friend; however I find comfort in a warm crunchy slice of bread. This morning is no exception and my desire for toast is magnified by the cold, dark, rainy day today. Seriously, it is pouring out.
I love rainy days, especially if I can stay inside with my thoughts and of course my toast.
As my toast is cooking and my mind is all over the place; Fridays tend to put me in a hopeful, dreadful mood. Hopeful that Steve and I will have quality time together even amongst the household chores;
and dreadful because one day of every weekend “HAS” to be spent with her, you know, the egg donor person.
I don’t think my brain has got over the Friday thing yet, but in time I pray the dread will leave and only hope will float (sorry I had to do it).
I went to the fridge to get my favorite Jelly. I don’t use butter anymore. I have learned that my beloved toast tastes just as good with just jelly.
The jar I selected was almost empty, I really had to work to get enough for two slices of toast and the funny thing is, as I was scraping my jar a thought so strong and powerful hit me and made me want to tell you this story.
Have your children ever picked you wild flowers (I am sure they have) sometimes, and it is really just weeds… but they run in to give them to you –so full of love that those little weed flowers appear to be the highest quality florists flowers.
Usually the stems are short with roots and dirt attached from being yanked out of the ground.
As good Moms we want to display the flowers for all to see and for ourselves as the sweetest reminder we are loved and worthy moms.
Finding a container for such a short stem can be difficult, hence the Jelly Jar. As I was cleaning out the magical fruit inside my jar this morning it hit me so hard;
I never gave my Mother flowers for a jelly jar. She wasn’t a Mommy and would have seen them as nothing but weeds and most likely would have had me throw them out.
It made me sad, and honestly I saw myself visually like a movie– as a little girl standing in a field with my hand full of wild flowers, roots, dirt and all- lost because I had no one to give my flowers to.
As I write this I am feeling so sad for that little girl I want to run, not walk, out to the field to grab her, hug her and put her flowers in my empty jelly jar.
Is this part of healing?
These glimpses of what I did not have? I know we are supposed to look at what we do have and be grateful and, trust me, I am grateful. I was 18 with a baby, followed by rent, a car payment, a job, and a husband and I had to struggle… and still do, and I am grateful for so much.
Yet, I feel as if I need to see what I didn’t have with clarity, real clarity…
Not the excuses that have been made… or excuses I have made to cover so much dysfunction and loss.
I don’t think I see not having (money or things) as a very big deal as long as we can have a roof and toast. I am cool, haha- seriously I am not a big thing person.
I am far too emotional and I need relationships… especially ones I can click with in my empathic way, (gift? still struggling with that).
I just want someone to give my flowers to for their Jelly Jar. For me it really is as simple as that. I don’t know why at my age these losses have been more active in my heart and mind. I look forward to your help in figuring this out.
I do think I need to mourn a whole bunch and not for the loss of a Mother, but for the loss of the little girl, if that makes sense?
I really feel when I can say good bye to the little girl and let her be free, the mother will dissolve. My gosh that sounds crazy!
…but I am writing it because it is exactly what I am thinking. I think I might have been mourning the wrong person all along. I have always thought if I felt sorry for the little girl I was selfish, but right this second I don’t feel that at all.
I think I will go wash out my Jelly Jar and as soon as the rain stops go find some wild flowers for it from the little girl.
Gosh…I am crying and as usual it feels so sad.
But I have had some weird break through this morning.
It’s not my loss of a mother it’s the loss of ME,
… a me who was never allowed to be.”