When He Whispers My Name

jesus-womanGod longs for you to know that He is more than enough in your troubled times.   He desires you to rest and fully embrace that where you are is exactly where God plans for you to be. 

Even in situations like you have never faced before.

It  has taken me so long to be able to write again.   I was frozen in time it seemed–for the last  3 months of 2015.   But the last 2 weeks I could feel it rising up within me again and now I think I can verbalize somewhat of what I have learned in the very hard and trying year of 2015.

I have learned that when I feel like my faith has been shaken to the core that I become~

~stunned and “shell shocked”…

sharksThat it’s a tumultuous venture, this walking by faith. At one time or another, you encounter the completely unexpected followed by the unthinkable.

 

And when it happens, the impact of it brings you to your knees, able to utter only one desperate word – “Why?”

It’s an intense battle when you’re that overwhelmed. First there’s shock and anger, then comes denial, 

 “This can’t be what my loving Jesus has planned for me – not me, not His beloved child.”

 thumb_COLOURBOX1908348You wonder why God doesn’t see that you need a different outcome. Perhaps if you just go slow and lay out the alternatives for Him – each and every one of them – you’ll help Him figure out how to reverse what’s been put in motion… 

But…..

 He whispers my name~~and I feel His presence~~and it is more than enough.

  • When I finally realized that our steady income from investigations was gone for good due to California laws, and if we were to survive in life it would be a miracle…..

He whispered my name…akiane-kramarik-jesus-painting

…and said that I was to take no thought for tomorrow for He would sustain us as a mother sustains her babies life by giving it sustenance from her own body.   He would be our life giving force.  From that day forward we watch daily as He brings in the finances we need from various sources.   He never fails and I have found I can just rest in it and not have to be hyper-vigilant and afraid that maybe today it won’t happen. 

Philippians 4:13 Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.

  • When my precious daughter had a ruptured appendix and I stood over her bed, helpless, watching her in agony as a result of poor medical care, and fear wanted to grip my heart and squeeze the life out of it;

fear

He whispered my name…

..as I stood there over her bed I felt His hand on my shoulder and his voice in my ear saying, “Dixie, I have this, she will be okay.”

I John 3:22 We’re able to stretch our hands out and receive what we asked for because we’re doing what he said, doing what pleases him.

  • When the horror and shock and fear came when my ‘adopted’ son was in a freak accident, while intoxicated, that took someone’s life ….the father of my grand kids…and I had to tell my babies that their daddy was going to prison. 

  • As I sit in the court room weeks on end gripped by anxiety, unable to breathe– and watched the judge, moved with compassion for a lone veteran gripped with PTSD, miraculously lessen his sentence…  I felt Jesus in the fire with me and with him…and I knew God had a plan.


mary-w-jesus-2He whispered my name….

His plan has unfolded, in the midst of the pain,  in opening huge doors of prison ministry for my adopted son and has brought healing to him in areas that was never able to be reached…but in the midst of the deep valley He has found a very real Jesus.

426__550x413_jesus-and-peter-walking_on_waterI Corinthians 9:8 God can pour on the blessings in astonishing ways so that you’re ready for anything and everything, more than just ready to do what needs to be done.

  • When my father, (who molested me for years) on his death bed, told me he could not forgive ME for exposing  “our” secret to my mother and that I ruined HIS life…and Mom’s life, before she died.   Realizing there would be no closure with my abuser before he left this earth– when my picture was always of his saying how sorry he was for his crime against me and my little girl.  There I was, sitting in his hospital room, with, strangely, no one around, next to his bed, while he told me he could not forgive ME


Jesus-By-My-Side-342x200Jesus whispered my name
~~ I felt Him in the chair beside me and felt His breath tickle my ear as He whispered, “Dixie, I’m right here and I am not going anywhere.  Just lean into me.”    I knew I could endure the pain and shock of it all.  It was the last conversation I had with Dad. Jesus’ presence got me through the funeral of confusion and distress at being so removed from all feeling,  just numbness,  as my husband performed the ceremony.  

Matthew 21:22,23  But Jesus was matter-of-fact: “Yes—and if you embrace this kingdom life and don’t doubt God, you’ll not only do minor feats like I did to the fig tree, but also triumph over huge obstacles. This mountain, for instance, you’ll tell, ‘Go jump in the lake,’ and it will jump. Absolutely everything, ranging from small to large, as you make it a part of your believing prayer, gets included as you lay hold of God.

  • When I read my parents trust sent to me after my dad’s death, and realized that in 2006, my mother and my father stated that they, in full disclosure, and with full knowledge did NOT want their daughter, Dixie, to have one thing that belonged to them; I felt the ultimate abandonment and full force of their anger towards me for stopping my father from molesting again after he molested my daughter.   I was the black sheep of their family and was pretty much hit with it on their deaths.   I had to admit to myself, finally, that I didn’t want their “things” but what I had wanted was their love, and would never find it here on earth.

487580_424694517593102_1292768395_n (1)He whispered my name~~ “Dixie, you have a new name that I have given you.  I will be both mother and father to you. I take the sting away of their earthly rejection. This is the end of years of torment for you and though you didn’t hear what you needed to hear from them, you will hear it from me and I am more than enough for you.”

Ephesians 3:20,21 God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.

And you know what, HE IS more than enough.  Better.  No comparison.

God wants you to know that He is so much bigger than all the desperate and tragic situations in this life. He wants you to know He is always with you and for you.

His blessing isn’t found in what He gives or takes away. You find it as you abide in Him. 

545570_417758148257124_357419294_n (1)Ask Him to align your heart with His. Believe His Word. Trust Him. 

Count it all joy.

In my journal to Him, He speaks to me too…in one recent one Jesus said to me,

“Don’t count on what you feel but continue to allow me to fill you where you are lacking and believe Me when I say, I know what you lack, and I am more than enough for you…..I am doing a work you cannot see!”

 

Embrace Him as your absolute EVERYTHING.

 

He is, indeed, all you’ll ever need.

 

He whispers your name~~

I’ll Call Her Hannah

303161_414645191931368_893377415_nI’ll call her Hannah.  

Sweet girl, but she walked in that day with a cross between terror and distrust on her face.  On that first day she came she brought reinforcements.  Her protection sat in a car across the street in case she needed to make a quick getaway.

I greeted her with a hug and she was shaking and determined to not talk.

amazing graceShe sat at my table overlooking my flower garden staring at the Amazing Grace plaque I had nailed to the fence, and tears just waiting to be released.

There had been other attempts from other people to help her heal from a childhood that had lied to her and robbed her of her innocence; a childhood that had picked her up and spit her out into the emptiness to fend for herself; a place she had locked herself up within a cage of torment, but was safer than venturing out into the unknown…and so that no one would see or notice.  But those well meaning attempts to help her were not welcomed nor were they successful because according to her she did not trust them nor did she think anyone would love her if they knew her secrets.

And now here she was at my table, eyeing me with suspicion and maybe a little of, “what makes you any different than the others.”

For the first session I did most of the talking.  I explained that for this to work she had to do the work.  She had to talk.  She had to give me something.  She would drop her head and tears would flow down her cheeks and we were left with silence.

I felt Holy Spirit prompting me to just wait, not be in a hurry.  So, I waited and became comfortable with the silence as the weeks turned into months.  Sometimes we sat there for 5 to 10 minutes with neither of us saying more than 2 words.  I refused to speak for her, though it was tempting to break the silence and uncomfortableness.

I just loved her.  Peace

I eventually began to share with her what a precious daughter to the King she was.  I told her He rejoiced at her loveliness and none of what happened to her defined who she was meant to be and would be one day.

I told her God had a plan for her and He was enthralled with her beauty.

And He wanted to heal her from the past.

Week after week, we made little progress it seemed.  Many times she would start to tell me a secret and would take at least a half hour to get out only part of the secret and then she would collapse into sobs.  I assured her it was okay and that we would tackle these obstacles together.

Then one day she finally started coming on her own– without the reinforcements.

She eventually started to trust me and slowly…very slowly…began to open up with her dark secrets.  Sometimes she would only get out a sentence and then crumble again into tears.

She loved to say, “I don’t know” a lot.  I told her she could say anything but “I don’t know”….and she broke the habit of hiding behind those words.  She really did know.

She had tried to hurt herself many times, she finally told me.  She felt ugly inside and couldn’t imagine Jesus wanting her as she was so undesirable. She felt dirty and caged and covered it up as best she could.

10440802_696494227073693_7724385406213002777_nWith each new disclosure, her trust grew, and I began to see a new beauty emerge.  After many months, week after week of spending time just sitting together and her slowly revealing her childhood to me, she began to change more and more.  She eventually gained an empowerment that was solely from the Holy Spirit.

64658_465671946828692_1306119874_nShe confided to me finally that she loved my hugs.  I gave them even more freely then.  I sensed that the little girl inside of her had not received many in her life time…and every time I hugged her she cried.

She would melt in my arms. 

She won her way into my nurturing heart.  But I knew that without His grace reaching down into her heart, revealing to her the value He placed on her, I, myself, could not help her.

Because I had been in that very place myself as a young woman and I knew that without His intervention I had no strength to pass on to her.

But God had plans for Hannah.

After 8 months of our weekly sessions she showed up one day at my door with a smile on her face, anticipating my hug, and I saw no fear.  There seemed to be a break through.  She began to open up more and more and started making herself accountable to me if she was tempted to do something that she knew was destructive.  She began sharing more details of her abuse and her feelings and fears that had entrenched themselves into her very fiber.

And with each disclosure came more healing.

Oh, she tested me a couple of times.  She wanted to see if I would walk away.  But I didn’t.  I am not the walking away type, and by this time I knew God was working in her in a big way and had great plans for her.  I confronted her and loved her through it.

She learned that forgiveness is real.

One day I knew God was going to move Hannah out of the area.  I just knew that she could not stay where she was and continue to grow.

And it was time she left the nest and flew on her own.  Oh, I would still be there, but I knew it would be a different role.

And I had to face my own issues of letting go.

Sure enough she was offered an opportunity in another state to start a new life.  I told her God had told me she would go and that it was okay, it was time.  After a year of coaching she was ready to go into the face of fear and go out on her own.  I wasn’t prepared for the deep sadness that overtook me.  We had become very close.  And those last few weeks before her departure was hard on both of us.  We would sit and talk about all the opportunities God was going to open up to her with excitement and within moment our eyes would well up.

We planned a birthday lunch on the beach.  We went together like Mom and daughter.  I bought her a heart necklace engraved on the back so she would always be reminded that I am close in heart and that Jesus is even closer.  We sat at the beach and talked and talked.

Boy, what a change from that first day of sitting at my table as the clock ticked.

I couldn’t help but remember back a year ago when that pale faced, young girl, showed up at my front door shaking and terrified, not able or willing to utter a word to me.  And now I was looking into the face of a young woman glowing with promise and she had a huge smile of gratefulness and unabashed love on her face; A woman with hope and excitement about her future.

Don’t tell me miracles aren’t for today.

Hannah is one.  378095_526317080764178_826390852_n

Don’t tell me coaching backed by the Spirit of God doesn’t work.  It is revealed in an awesome display of His glory on the faces of those who bravely submit themselves into His trust when they come to be coached.

I wrote a poem for her before she left.  I don’t know if it was as much for me to let go–as it was for her to leave.  She has given me permission to use it here…to share with you…to give you hope in whatever you face.

She came in tears

shredded and spent

sorrow and guilt

hope lost for comfort

destitute

The journey began

into new awakenings

A Princess you say?

alone and shattered me?

hope?

a melody began to play ♫  

1506500_619449268111523_2092771554_nHer Prince  appears

 

“Dance with Me”  He whispers

“Come put your head on My shoulder

let Me hold you

breathe with Me

I’m healing all your wounds

and taking you on a journey

are you willing to go with Me?”

 

adventure and abandon to Him awaits

 

I am taken with your beauty“, He says

My love for you knows no bounds

 

and the true Princess emerges from the abyss

and dances into her new life with Him

and the past has lost its hold on her……forever