Breaking the Chains of My Relationship with Food~~And Silencing the Voice

 In breaking the stronghold of food over my life it was not about just being instantly delivered from the desire to eat.   It was not about just losing weight either.   I knew that losing weight would be a by-product of an even deeper healing.   It became a quest of understanding how it unravels the tentacles of the relationship I had with food.  As I began to understand more of why I struggled so, the entrance of that light brought healing in increments and slowly I emerged from the darkness of desperation.

I began to look at my relationship with food.  Because I was so miserable as a child living with a Dad who physically abused me until I was 12, and then emotionally until I left home, I found comfort in the foods I could get my hands on.   My Mom was constantly rationing food out to me, not because she was mean, but because she wanted to save money and needed to be in control of how much food was eaten in the house.   She was raised during the depression and was very poor as a child.   Money greatly impressed her and as a result, I always felt like I didn’t get enough.   

I have come to understand, however, that what was really going on is that I really desired to get what I needed from my mother emotionally. 

When she offered no comfort or affection, I turned to food.  And because she always saw me as fat, being larger than her 5 foot frame, she wanted me to not eat.   So, I would sneak food and find every opportunity to comfort myself with it.

If you just approach weight loss from what you are eating and going on diets it is just an endless cycle.  If you never get to the deeper issues of why you eat and the way you eat, it is like putting a temporary band aid on to only have it ripped off again and again. Then you eat more to comfort yourself. 

It is time to get off the merry-go-round.

It has never been truth that the value of a person, spirit, soul, and body, is dependent on a number on a scale.  When we start defining ourselves by what we weigh, deep in our minds, we rebel. 

We were created to be balanced in all of our being to fully enjoy Kingdom living in all of its wonder and passion.   If we leave the possibility behind that we will never get to experience that in our lives because we will never measure up to our own expectations of being thin, we will always have this underlying feeling that something is missing.

When I began to release myself from “The Voice” and all those things that were said to me about my largeness growing up, I suddenly realized how long I had been mistaking its death grip on my life.    I could then ask myself honestly if I was comfortable at this weight.

Uhhh, NO! 

I was not comfortable. 

My health was failing. 

The weight was making me old and sluggish.

I realized that listening to and engaging in the chatter of “The Voice” kept me outside myself.  It kept me bound up in the box of my stronghold.   Those words shamed me and made me embarrassed of how I looked.  I would feel a sense of panic when I saw a picture of myself. 

Releasing myself from the grip of The Voice, that felt so much like me, felt like ripping something from my psychic; separating my body from my mind.  Yet, for so many years I equated most everything I did with how I looked doing it.   It seemed I was always standing outside myself watching myself, not in a loving accepting way, but in a critical way, hating what I was seeing. 

Funny, too, that I always saw my mom standing there talking into my ear telling me I was unacceptable and didn’t measure up.

Revelation:   Could it be that part of me didn’t want to get rid of The Voice because it somehow kept me close to the mother I so longed for?

I was not aware of how much I was under the influence of the Voice until I began to eradicate it from my mind.     And with its departure I felt weak at first and diminished, somehow.     When I was in total agreement with The Voice I had convinced myself that my only recourse is to be ashamed of myself and to continually try harder to get it right.  I didn’t realize that the only way to get it right is to get rid of The Voice and crawl out of the yo-yo box of dieting to try to get it right.

When The Voice left in increments as I grew into a mindfulness and awareness of who I really was outside of my distorted image of myself, it was like breathing for the first time in my life free of all pollutants.    I knew my accuser, satan, had no more of a foothold into my head, and I could now separate from that which is not me.

I could separate from:

My story of how unredeemable I was.

My shame at how many years it has taken me to finally get it.

And I could now learn to love life without the familiar record playing in my mind of my past.

And I was less willing to endure suffering as a result of my compulsive eating.

I chose freedom over familiarity.

 

Watch for my next post where I will share how God began to lead me in discovery of the  physical aspect in getting healthy.   And, to answer your questions, the weight is indeed coming off, and I will share with you how it is happening.  It took a lifetime to get at this place and I am enjoying this new journey of discovery. 

I have to say that if I can do this so can you!!

Demolishing the Stronghold of My Weight…Revelation With the Help of a Harley

 

I believe we are spirit.  We have a soul (mind, will, and emotions).  And we live in a body.  As a Life Purpose Coach I help people achieve balance in all three parts of their beings; spirit, soul, and body.  With this in mind I have decided to share my own personal journey of my victory over my weight, in hopes my story will speak to someone else, and give them hope.

The Lord gave my husband a beautiful Harley a couple of years ago.    Yes, you heard me right.  He prayed and asked God for a Harley Davidson motorcycle and 2 months later someone just gave him the pink slip to theirs and told Greg God had instructed him to give his Harley away.   That is another story for another time, however. 

 I am telling you this because at the time Greg was given the Harley I was conducting a women’s bible study on breaking out of strongholds.   It was about a yearlong study and when we actually got to the part in the study of discerning a stronghold that the enemy may have put in one’s life, it was the same time.

I have struggled with my weight it seems my whole life.  Most of my life I was a normal size but I still felt fat.   In fact, when I look at pictures of myself through my 20’s and 30’s now, I am shocked at how pretty I actually was and how trim I looked.  This should have been a clue that something else was going on but I was so used to living with my struggle I thought it was normal. 

That was until I allowed Jesus on the scene of my protected sacred cow of weight. (No pun intended)

You know how those familiar friends of destruction become a staple in our lives because the unknown is scarier?  Well, that is how it was with my constant unhappiness with the girth of my body.   Eventually I developed high blood pressure and just started feeling sluggish and unhealthy, so, due to lack of energy, I gained even more weight.

How does this connect with the Harley story and my bible study?  I’m glad you asked.

I have been through so much in my life and have climbed so many mountains of faith I didn’t think there were any strongholds left for satan to batter my soul with.   (I have to warn you to never think that you have arrived with no further work that needs to be done in your life.   Pride is destructive as well.)   So, I was totally unaware of my emotions the day Greg asked me to climb on the back of his new Harley to go for a ride.  

I instantly felt like I was huge and would look even huger on the back of his bike.   It was so odd.  It is like in my head I became Sasquatch perched behind him.  I pictured myself riding down the road, with my mammoth backside being all the people in cars would see.  (I know you’re trying to hide your laughter.)    I tried to share his enthusiasm and felt horrible I couldn’t just jump on and be the biker chick that was a size 1, dressed in full leathers and a bustier, and zip off down the road.   But I just could not do it.  Instead, as I tried to get on the bike I burst into sobs and, to my horror, heard my voice blubbering like a 12 year old.   I started sobbing like someone had died.  I said to him how could he humiliate me this way and didn’t he see my pain at being fat?  

Poor guy stood back and stared at me with his mouth hanging open.   He didn’t have a clue what I was talking about as I had not ever mentioned how I felt about my perception of how I looked.   Apologizing all over himself for not being aware of how I felt he tried telling me that he didn’t even notice that it would be a problem and that he thought I looked fine and that I would fit well behind him.  But I would have none of it.   He let me go and said, “Well, maybe another time then.”     

The next day, after I had calmed down, I was talking to Jesus.   

“Jesus, where on earth did all that overwhelming emotion come from when I tried to get on the Harley?”

“It’s a stronghold.”  Jesus whispered.

“Huh?” I said.   “What is the stronghold?”

“Your weight.” He said, “It goes much deeper than the extra pounds.  The weight is a condition of the deeper issue of your soul that is a stronghold in your life.”  

It was a total revelation to me.   I thought I was just weak willed, and that I would never change.  I thought that until I died I would be fat.

In our Bible study we learned that according to 2 Corinthians 10, we have divine power to demolish the strongholds the enemy puts up in our lives.    Much of the reason some believers live defeated lives and remain in slavery to their desires is because they just swat at strongholds like pesky mosquitoes.  We don’t press in and find out how to actually be free from them and then make the effort to stay free.

We had been studying how to take every thought captive and make our minds obedient to Christ.  I realized at the moment He told me I had a stronghold when it came to my weight that God was giving me a hands on experience in the midst of what I was teaching.

So, the first thing I realized I must do is ask Jesus to reveal to me where this picture of me came from and why I always felt fat, even when I was not.  I honestly had nothing in my mind that even gave me a clue. Satan is so clever that he plants the words into our minds from earliest childhood and then cleverly disguises it as truth.    

I sat at my table, with pen in hand, and asked Jesus to reveal to me the root of my issue.

And then I began writing as I heard the words.

“You are the largest one in the family, Dixie. 

“My family is all small people any you, Dixie, are not one of them.  You took after your Dad’s side, who are all Amazons.”

“You are such a moose.”

“You are so clumsy.”

“You have had enough food, you are large enough”

“Your feet are weirdly big.  I wear a size 4.” (I wore a size 7)

“Your sister is so petite– wait til your boyfriend sees HER!!”

“Good grief, you have put on at least another 15 lbs!”

“You trip over your own two feet!”

“You don’t need to eat. You have already eaten enough for an army.”

“You are always hungry.”

“You’re going to eat THAT?”

All of these words in my head took on the suspicious voices of my mother and her relatives.  I honestly couldn’t remember anything good that was ever said to me.   I had not ever felt good about myself.  Even as I grew up and accomplished many things there was always the underlying feeling that I didn’t quite measure up and that I was not attractive.    I feel like so many years were wasted by me not accepting myself and being blinded by a lying and deceiving enemy.

Life and death are in the power of the tongue people!!   What you are saying to your kids and grandkids sink deeply into their souls.  We can choose to speak life giving words!

The negative words Jesus allowed me to hear once again became a revelation to me.  I realized they were all lies and a set up to keep me in that place of acceptance of just not ever being thin and healthy or feeling good about myself.

In our bible study we talked about being locked in a box of lies and being unable to get out.  Our defeated thoughts kept us from the deliverance and freedom that was waiting for us outside the box.  To get out of this prison I had to stand in agreement with God and what He says about me.  I had to demolish the lies that had set up a wall around me to prevent me from hearing what Jesus was saying about me and to keep me from finally being in control of this whole area.

I had to tear down the lies and put up the truth.   I got 3X5 index cards and began to write scriptures on them declaring who I am in Jesus and that I was accepted and loved greatly in the kingdom.   I declared that I did not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeded out the word of God.   One by one as I heard those old familiar records playing in my head I would counteract the lie with the truth.

Now, I wish I could say that was the end of the struggle.   The stronghold was rooted deeper than I thought and the enemy was not happy that he was on the way out so he began to wage warfare against me and in that first month, I gained 12 lbs.  Yes, you read that right.

Not LOSE 12 lbs.

I  GAINED 12 lbs.  

It was almost funny to me because normally I would have been depressed at my failure to lose, big time.  But the gain actually gave me hope that I could conquer this because I clearly saw the stronghold now.  And I knew that Jesus came to set the captive (me) free. 

So, where did I go from here?   The journey out of the stronghold was layered and so I will in the next few blogs share this trip with you, in hopes that it helps someone out there who might be struggling with their weight.

He cares about every detail of our lives.

Be watching for the next blog for the continued journey of finally finding the secret to walking freely in victory over being “fat”.   I realize I am putting myself out there with this testimony.   It has taken me a lifetime to get to this place.  My hope is that in sharing my journey you will realize deliverance much sooner in your life. 

Watch for the next post!!

Jesus Has Not Left the Journey…Nor the Airplane

My last airplane journey was to Montana.  I was to fly out of Burbank to Salt Lake City, then on to Montana.   I felt all grown up; big time ministry woman, hitting the skies.   I love traveling alone.  I call these trips me and Jesus journeys. 

So off I went feeling the woman in charge of my own life.   I was shocked at the smallness of the airport and when I asked the way to my boarding area they laughed at me.  I soon found out why.  There was only one boarding area and it was right around the wall behind where they stood.   Okay joke’s on me.

I walked around the corner and saw the plane was ready to board already, but they were not calling us to board.   Starting to feel a little anxiety I kept watching the clock because in 4 hours I was to board the flight to Montana from Salt Lake City.  And that was the last one for the night.   What would I do stranded at an airport all night?

The hours crawled as I watched a literal circus of errors with no explanation as to why we could not board the plane.   The Santa Ana winds had come up and were blowing the plane all over the place but they assured us that was not the problem.  They came on the speaker and asked who among us would be willing to get off the plane because there was too much weight for it to fly. 

Seriously?    Of course, The Voice, began to chime in (read previous blog to see who The Voice is) telling me that it was MY weight that would down the plane.  What if I was the one who tipped the scales of the plane and sent it spiraling downward killing us all?    I knew I should have lost those 20 lbs before this trip!   No one volunteered to be the one to get off.   I had to reach Salt Lake before my other plane left.  My anxiety level was rising.

Okay Jesus, it is you and me.   This is scary.   Bring me peace. 

Now! 

What should I do?  

Silence.

Then He whispered.  “It’s okay, Dixie, I go before you, remember?”

I’m good.  I’m good.  I’m not in a hurry.  Mercy.  Grace.

He had my back.   But my mind was killing me.

“Bring every thought captive, to His voice, Dixie.”  I self talked.

Two hours later they finally let us on the plane with no explanation as to why we couldn’t get on before that and I was just wondering if they truly did get that one fat person off so we wouldn’t fall out of the sky?  The stewardess told us that it was “bunk”  that the plane would weigh too much.   Then we saw the pilot come on the plane, who, up until then, had been missing in action.  Hmmmmm.   And he was all smiles as he climbed into the cockpit.

Now, I have to ask you, when your pilot delays the plane by not showing up on time, what comes to your mind? 

“Okay, Lord, here we go.”  

The stewardess walked the isle and told us under her breath that we needed to write to Delta and complain about this incident.   This told me she knew something she was not telling us. 

“Good grief, Lord, I am so glad you are with me up here.”

 I was already emotionally triggered, though.  I was thrown back into my childhood.   The old scripts started playing.    “Nothing ever works right for you, Dixie.   If it’s going to go wrong it will be on your watch.”

God was revealing yet again, deeper issues in my heart that need his tending; areas I need to repent of and receive his forgiveness and perfect love in;  areas  I need to lean in and trust more and let my mind be renewed; areas where I am harsh for some underlying reason that I need Jesus to reveal and heal.

Now we are in the air in the Santa Ana winds.  We lurched our way to Utah, literally.  Like riding a bucking bronco, I am sure.    I had texted everyone how much I loved them by then. 

Arriving in Salt Lake, a man who had looked up my flight to Montana had told me that it had left an hour before, so I needed to find an attendant and ask for a motel.  So, sure enough, the plane had left without me.   I mean, really, how many people were going to Helena, Montana that time of night.  Probably two people, they told me.  They could have waited for me. 

“Lord, I simply can’t sleep in one of these airport seats like Tom Hanks did in that movie where he had to live at the airport.”  

“I’ve got this Dixie.”  Deep breath.

The man at the counter told me they would put me up in a nearby motel and transport me there and bring me back in the morning to catch the next flight.   Wow!  Okay then.   I was put up in a very fancy hotel near the airport.  

“Just like a husband, you are, my Jesus!!”

“When you say you trust me, that means even when the way looks bleak, my child.” He whispered.

The ride to the motel put me on a shuttle with a woman who was alone.  She went to another motel but the next morning we ended up sitting together on our way to Montana.  

And then I knew.  

The delay was so the Lord could put us together for a one hour flight.   In that hour we found we were both believers and we connected on a level I knew was Jesus.  She was encouraged and I was too.

A divine appointment. 

By the time we arrived in Helena and got off the plane, (there were about five of us on the plane) it was like we had always known each other and I introduced her to my friend I was visiting.    I will not know until eternity what that whole encounter was really about.  But I do know the whole trip was planned out by Jesus for this particular meeting.  

And to reveal to me new things about myself.

That’s what he’s up to;  This loving, wild, relentless, fabulous God of ours.  He’s always after my restoration.  

My emotional healing.  

My deliverance.  

My freedom.

And he’s after yours, as well. 

I say yes to you, Lord.  I don’t like the ugly parts of me you have revealed, but I would  stay in that ugliness if you didn’t show it to me.  

So show me.  

Even in airports, I am held in his grace.  I am held in his love.  I am being restored.  

 

And all of us, as with unveiled face, [because we] continued to behold [in the Word of God] as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are constantly being transfigured into His very own image in ever increasing splendor and from one degree of glory to another; [for this comes] from the Lord [Who is] the Spirit. 2 Cor. 3:18 Amp.

The Voice

You’ve always been like this. 

You’ll always be like this.  Why try? 

No one changes, ever! 

You might as well scarf down that pizza.  Have you taken a look at your behind lately?  

Excuse me, but have you noticed that no one else has accomplished that?  What makes you think you can? 

Why do you even bother? 

You will never amount to anything and you will always be fat. 

You will always be poor.  What makes you think you can be a success at anything you do?  

Better go paint that ugly face and pretend you are pretty, because you are not. 

How many times have you stuck your foot in your mouth?  Just keep your mouth shut.  

You can’t go there.  You know that. 

You aren’t smart enough. 

Are you blind?   Do you always stumble over your own two feet?  

How many chins does that make for you now? You are just a moose.

Why don’t you slap a couple more burgers on those thighs?

 The Voice isn’t just a popular talent contest that is on television right now.   There is another voice we have all kind of put up with at different junctures of our journey in life.  Everyone has “The Voice”.  Psychologists have called it the internalized parent, or the inner critic. It is that record that plays in our heads telling us stuff that is not true, but because it is so familiar we believe what it is saying about ourselves.  We sometimes perceive The Voice as the enemy of our souls attempting to keep us from moving into the plans God has for us because we believe what “The Voice” is telling us.   It is interesting though, that our voices take on the familiar sound of our mothers, fathers, or authority figures. 

Remember the old picture of an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other?

As a parent it is a good thing to remember that your words to your children will take on The Voice as they grow older.    The power of life and death are in the tongue.  We can choose to speak life into our kids or death, knowing that what we are saying to them will shape their destiny of success or failure if they don’t discover how to shut it up.

One of the primary jobs of The Voice is to control our impulses but is not trustable most of the time, to say the least.   We want to do good but that persistent voice in our heads tells us it isn’t proper or acceptable, or that only smart people can succeed at that.   Unfortunately, The Voice’s primary function is to suppress behavior that could possibly lead to our success by creating fear of failure.  And with fear the enemy of our souls definitely has a party in our heads leading to the quick demise of our creative and trusting spirits.

My own personal “Voice” has the same tones, the same mocking sarcastic way of putting me down as my mother did.  I don’t blame my mom, for I have since realized that she was broken too, and to her knowledge was doing what she was taught to do, and she had her own voices.    And then I realized that the record playing in my head was fueled and used by satan, using my mom’s voice and old familiar record, to keep me at a place of defeat.

Once we recognize this voice as not our friend, we can begin to tell it to shut up,  that it has no power over us anymore.  We can change!!   Sometimes it helps to write out what the Voice is saying to you and then counteract those negative words with truth from God’s word about you.   Oh, it will keep coming back for a while and yapping in your head, but the more you refuse to pay attention and agree with it the less power it has over you.

The hard part of this is that the Voice feels so much like you because you have been its old familiar friend for your whole life.  Releasing yourself from its grip takes time and patience with yourself.    You need to acknowledge The Voice for what it is.   Ask Jesus to make you aware of when The Voice is speaking.    You then begin to expose the lies The Voice is speaking and truth takes over.   Call them out for what they are; lies!! 

Remember the voice of Jesus always brings life and peace, not fear and dread, and He is not the author of confusion.

You will notice that when you start to get rid of The Voice’s accusations against you, where you were feeling defeated and dead inside, hope starts to emerge.  Your energy will return and your passion for life.  You will be out of the cage and the only voice you will heed is the Voice of your loving God who says that with Him ALL things are possible!!!  

 

The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. Proverbs 18:21

This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live. Deut. 30:19

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2

Start Talking….God Will Talk back!!

 

How  do you get used to talking to God and actually have Him answer you?  I get this question a lot.  To live in the miraculous and supernatural we have to get used to living outside the box of years and years of what is thought of as  “normal” behavior .  We need to embrace the fact that a relationship with God is supernatural.  How can we judge our walk with God according to other believers’ reactions and beliefs?

We each will have to walk our own walk.

My first reaction is, who really cares whether people think you are weird or not.  If you are hearing from God then that Is all that matters, right?

But then we do want to be the light of the world, and the salt of the earth.

His light in us dispels darkness as we move among the people.  They are drawn to us even when they don’t know what it is they are drawn too.  It is Jesus in us.

Salt makes people thirsty.   Our presence is supposed to make people thirsty for what we have.  That means we are different, right?

What we have is Jesus!

What makes us different and intriguing to the world?   Intimacy with a very real and very active Jesus in our lives that shines forth as a light within us that others gravitate too.      Have you ever wondered why someone you don’t know just starts pouring their heart out to you at a restaurant or other public place?   It is Jesus in you they long for and they recognize Him in the spirit, but sometimes don’t realize in their minds what it is– except that they are drawn to you.

He is a part of me so I expect that any good thing people are drawn to in me is really Him…they can only just see me in the natural.

Learning to live in the supernatural is to always be expecting, even when things look so impossible in the natural.  Seriously, every time I hear someone say, “But, it is impossible” I hear Jesus say, “With Me all things are possible.”

My life, it seems, always looks impossible.  There have been so many obstacles in my life over the past 5 years I have become used to living in the impossible.

Everything becomes a miraculous possibility!

Our business has been sorely tried as investigators in California with all the new laws and changes.   We have gone months with no work.  Yet, never missed a payment or a bill or went hungry.   Money would just show up like manna from heaven at just the time we needed it.

I live by faith.

But I would be lying to say I never doubt God will come through.

Will God take us so far and just leave us stranded?

But I have learned the importance of keeping my mouth shut.  The enemy can only use what we give him with our mouths to bring more fear.  He is not omniscient like God.  He can’t read our minds.  He can just introduce the thoughts to see if we buy it.

Don’t set yourself in agreement with satan!!  There is no truth in him.

I keep declaring God will not leave us or forsake us, and the miracles just keep happening.

With the miraculous saving of our house so we did not have to move (read the story on “A Sure Dwelling Place” in the archives of this blog), to my Dad, who molested both me and my daughter, being saved just last week ( which in the natural would be an impossibility as he was dead set against God and thought he was too far gone to save), I would say I live a supernatural life. (You can read about my Dad in the last 2 blogs).

My daughter has needed a home for her and her kids (my beautiful grandkids) for the last year now.  In the natural, getting a place to live right now for her was an impossibility.   But we did not give up faith that God said He would be her husband and take care of her.  It was a hard wait and no one knows the pain she has endured in her waiting.  God promised me in His word that he would always take care of my children and not leave them destitute.     Yesterday I was out running errands.  I heard the voice of Jesus tell me to drive to a little house she so wanted but knew it was impossible to attain.   He said to park in front and pray and release the house to her in the spirit.   I told him I felt kind of silly as how did I know this is the place He really wanted her to be, but, never the less, I would be obedient and pray.  Then I drove around the house, through an alley, and prayed the whole way binding the enemy from blocking the house from her, and releasing it to her.   It reminded me of marching around Jericho and claiming it for God.

An hour ago I got a call from her so excited she could hardly stand it.  The house is hers.    I wonder if I hadn’t been obedient to go and be available to look silly sitting in front of a house talking to the Lord, what would have happened.

When God spoke to me one day to write my story in a book I was stunned.  I had no idea how to proceed.  He said He would lead me.  He did– and you can now buy my book on Amazon.  (Climbing Out of the Box, My Journey Out of Sexual and Spiritual Abuse Into Freedom and Healing….sold on Amazon).   He gave me the title, told me who to talk to for guidance, sent an editor from out of state, and helped me to publish it.  Now, He assures me He will get it into the hands of those who need it.

A miracle!!

I have learned in my conversations with God (what we Christians call prayer life) that I need to talk to Him about everything.   I told Him as I drove to that house that I felt presumptuous and maybe a little unsure if it was really Him saying to do it.  I told Him that I was tempted to doubt.   But I also told Him that just in case I was going to just do it in obedience to what I knew in my spirit I was hearing.  That is all He asks us to do.  He KNOWS us inside and out.  So, why not just lay it all out there?

The more you force yourself to start talking to Him about everything the deeper you sink into Him.  You will realize He is talking back to you.

It is about living in expectancy!  We either believe He is who He says He is or we don’t.     He simply will not let us go down as long as we are trusting in Him.   He loves us.  He isn’t waiting to hit us on the head with a hammer if we mess up.   He just stands by until we come around.

It gets to the place that when something looks so impossible you get excited to see just what He will do this time to make it happen.  It is an exciting way to live and, I must say, a necessary way to live in these times of uncertainty in our country.

There is NOTHING impossible to God!!

He Won’t Be Going To Hell…Impossible Redemption

My father received Christ today.

The day after I wrote my last blog, “I don’t want Him to go to Hell, Supernatural Forgiveness” Greg went to visit my dad.   Somehow I always knew that Greg would be the one to do it.   Greg and my Grandpa were kindred spirits.

The whole story of Greg and Grandpa is in my book, Climbing Out of the Box.

It is profound to me that my whole growing up life Grandpa told me that he knew that dad would be ‘saved’ one day and he would see him in heaven.   I thought what great faith Grandpa must have because my dad was totally anti-God in all of his ways, and a child molester.   At least he molested me and my little girl.  Another whole story you can find in my book.

Dad used to threaten me when he would see my yearning to know God by telling me all the things he wouldn’t let me do if I became ‘religious’.    He saw Christianity as a big list of “don’ts and works”.  So, as a young girl, I was terrified of becoming a freak because if I served Jesus dad would make me always wear dresses, never wear makeup or cut my hair….it was so ridiculous.  But this was how he controlled me.

I secretly talked to Jesus all the time back then.   But I never told him.

Dad was a self made man full of pride and control and believed that molesting girls wouldn’t hurt them when they grew up…at least that is what he said when I finally confronted him, as I was finally forced out of denial at my finding out that he did it to  my daughter as well.

I was afraid of him, yet all the way through my life I struggled with whether I cared about him or not.   He was never invited to our home after I was out of denial, so my mother decided to stay with him rather than get to know her great grandchildren.   They never knew her, really, and she lived 10 minutes away.   Nor, would they ever know him.

Whenever I would see him he was a fixture in the room to me.  I was so removed from him and had no feeling towards him.

But then my mother died 6 months ago, and as I said in the last blog, God revealed to me that she had accepted Christ as a young girl, and though she didn’t live for him nor was there any fruit, she still went to heaven.  They had been married 62 years.

And the rest of how today came about is in the last blog.   Greg went to see him.   Dad wanted to know how to receive Christ.  Greg shared with him for a few hours uncovering the plan of salvation…..and then Dad broke and wept before the Lord and asked Jesus to come into his life.   Amazing!!!!!!!

So, this is my message today.

You may look at my story, read my book, and think how I could ever want him to go to the same Heaven I will be living in one day.   Why don’t I want him to go to Hell?   Why don’t I want him to suffer for what he has done to my life and my little girl’s life?

I am here to tell you there is grace that goes beyond our understanding.  You may not need grace in this same manner so it is hard to imagine why I would even care.  I don’t even understand it.   But when you find yourself in the middle of this kind of horror, you find His grace and unconditional love that in the natural is impossible, if you are willing to give the reins to God.

All I know is that God’s love has been poured out into my heart erupting into forgiveness for this man who changed the course of my entire life.

I can see him through God’s eyes.  Not from the victim’s eyes.

I can rejoice along with Grandpa in heaven that a sinner has come home.    I can see the reunion in heaven with the rest of his family now– all there…I can see it in the spirit.

I can freely love and let God have his way with no resentment.  This is a miracle.    This is a wondrous thing.

God’s word does not return void.   It accomplishes all that He intended it to do no matter what the circumstance nor how deep the hole we fall into nor how long it takes.

It is too late for a reconciliation with my father to replace what I never had,  nor do I expect that.  I found my need met many years ago by Jesus  and my love for God as my Father.    That opportunity is gone and I am not looking for anything more, but if you think about it, this world is our temporary home.   Forgiven and free of earthly sin I believe in eternity we become what God always meant for us to be before sin separated us from Him.

That is why Jesus went to the cross, folks.  To give us access to God and freedom from a world of sin, to transform us all.  He is not willing that any should perish.

In the natural my heart should be hard towards a man who violated me in the worst way as a child and robbed me and to my children of so much; and to my daughter, which hurt me more than myself, and changed her life forever as well.

But in the spirit I only feel joy that this man who was lost has now found his way home.

Only with God could this be so.

You can find the complete story of why this is such a miracle in “Climbing Out of the Box, My Journey Out of Sexual and Spiritual Abuse Into Freedom and Healing.”   http://www.amazon.com/Climbing-Out-Box-Journey-Spiritual/dp/1478296852/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1365005344&sr=1-1&keywords=climbing+out+of+the+box

I Don’t Want Him to Go to Hell…Finding Supernatural Forgiveness

 

 I sit here watching the rain come down fiercely on April fool’s day and wondering about Spring and wild flowers and if the rain will kill them or help them to thrive in the coming two months.   My thoughts this morning are scattered,  but in a way I can sense Jesus pulling them into focus, if that even makes sense.

I have learned over Easter holiday that my widowed father is requesting my Evangelistic husband to visit him this week.  

Those of you who have read my book, “Climbing Out of the Box, My Journey Out of Sexual and Spiritual Abuse Into Freedom and Healing”, know that my mother died this past year.  Dad and Mom were married 62 years.   During the time of her death Jesus revealed to me that there was a time in Mom’s life as a young, innocent girl when she accepted Him as her Savior.   I was stunned because there was no fruit in her life of knowing my Jesus;  At least not that I could tell.   

I went through so much over the years trying to find in her the Mom my heart longed for and finally found peace through releasing her from my expectations. 

She did not protect me while my father was molesting me as a child and said she had no idea, and maybe she didn’t …because she lived in denial of most truth.  She did not protect me when I finally told her the whole story as an adult.  In fact, she distanced herself from me even more in anger that I would tell her what he did.   

Miraculously I forgave her.  I realized she was reacting out of her own life story, whatever that was.    God filled my heart with love and relief that she was with Him when she died.   The only grief I felt at losing her was the grief of a little girl who longed for a mother and now that chance was gone.

But this blog is not about her.  It is about my Dad; the guy who robbed me of my childhood, my innocence, and opened the door for years of pain and dysfunction in my life and then because of my silence, molested my precious daughter, as well.

 I haven’t seen him since mom died.    With her gone I don’t even know what I would say to him.  We have nothing in common except mom.   He never called me, never reached out to me, never acknowledged my birthday, and has not asked my forgiveness for what he did to me, and then to my sweet little girl.  

He is really old now and ready to die. 

 I don’t want him to go to hell.  

Dad’s father, my precious grandfather who never had a clue of what his own son did to me, told me when he died that he knew his son would make it to heaven.   At the time my dad would scoff at any mention of Jesus.   And I would think to myself when grandpa would say that, “But he doesn’t know what dad did.”  

But now, as I stare out at the rain on the 1^st of April, with newness of Spring all around me, I can’t understand my own feelings.   I have no remorse towards my elderly dad.  

I should hate him, but I don’t.  I can’t explain it, other than to say that it has to be God at work in me.  I want dad to find Jesus.   I wouldn’t even try to understand how Jesus sorts it all out, but from my own understanding I believe even the vilest sinner can be forgiven.  

I pray Dad asks for forgiveness for being a child molester and finds God’s grace.

 I pray that his motive is not just to go where Mom is but to find peace and love and forgiveness for himself.

I am perplexed when others ask me why I would even care.  I can only answer it is because of Jesus.  

Unconditional love looks past the sin, past the outward appearances and actions, and straight to the heart. 

I am sure Dad has a story too.   Something happened to him in his life that demons took over and made him who he is.    

We are not capable of loving unconditionally within ourselves.  How can we love those who have created so much pain and agony in our lives without the supernatural power of Jesus’ own love flowing through us?   I know I am a living testimony of that.   I don’t want Dad to be lost forever into eternity.  I want him to find Jesus and become who he was originally created to be before he fell into abuse. 

Now, he is asking for Greg…not me.   Greg has been talking to him about Jesus in the few times he has visited him.   Greg is able to lift himself above his own reasoning’s of why would he go to a man who hurt his wife and daughter so deeply and thoroughly.    He struggles with it; actually shudders with disgust when he allows himself to consider what kind of man would commit this kind of act.   But the anointing of the Holy Spirit propels him forward to go to this lost man and pray for his redemption.    I am sure dad isn’t asking for me because he knows what he did to me and can’t even believe that there is forgiveness waiting.  It is too late for a relationship, but not too late to find peace with what is left of his life. 

God is not willing that any should perish.  Not even my Dad.  So, Greg will go.

You can read my  whole story here:   http://www.amazon.com/Climbing-Out-Box-Journey-Spiritual/dp/1478296852/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1364839338&sr=1-1&keywords=climbing+out+of+the+box