The Miraculous Healing of a Doomed Marriage

relationship difficultiesIn this Episode on “From the Heart of Dixie”,  Jason and Cherie share how God miraculously healed their broken Marriage. You won’t be the same after watching this.
After we stopped filming Jason had something he wanted to add…. here is his statement – ” I wanted to say that prayer is powerful and to pray for your spouse. Even though at the time, no matter what anyone told me, I wouldn’t acknowledge that what I was doing was wrong and the enemy actually, had me believe what I was doing was right. I know for a fact that Cherie’s prayers were heard by God. Cherie’s faithfulness to God was key to our marriage being saved. Cherie did not give up on me and that was because of God’s strength and comfort. So just remember when we have given up on ourselves or given up on our spouses, God never gives up on us.” Jason –
Thank you both Cherie and Jason for sharing your amazing testimony.

 

Pray Like a Drunken Woman!

hannah“Hannah kept wailing even when Eli the priest mistook her for a drunk and questioned her sincerity. She simply set the record straight by telling him, ‘I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief'” (1Samuel 1: 15-16).  

She didn’t care how she looked as she prayed.   God knew her heart…

We know Hannah  for her sorrow… She longed for a son, but couldn’t have children. We know her for her faithfulness. She never gave up hope that God would hear her prayer. We also know her for her sacrifice. She dedicated her baby Samuel to the Lord and left him at the temple to serve God “all the days of his life” (1 Samuel 1:11).

 Hannah is one of the most recognizable women in Scripture for all these reasons. Many of us remember her story for her deep anguish over not being a mother. We all most likely recall her time at the temple, taking her request to God in powerful prayer. And what mom wouldn’t be impacted by Hannah’s bold move – leaving her little blessing at the temple to be raised by Eli the priest?

 hannah2And did you know after God answered her prayer for a child to deliver her from her barrenness, God continued to answer the prayers for Hannah?   She had two more sons and three daughters– while Samuel “grew up in the presence of the Lord” (>1 Samuel 2:21).

Hannah trusted God without doubt or concern. Her reverent fear of the Lord was just one more quality of her godly character.

We have to get serious in our prayer lives. 

We have to determine that we will hang on and not stop believing until we see an answer.

That’s what Hannah did year after year.

She “showed up.”

Praying

Praying

She entered her conversations with God broken, resentful, bitter, unhappy, defeated and moaned like a drunken woman.  She was herself without pretense.

Do you not think God knows our humaness?

But one year Hannah decided to focus on God and His provision instead of dwelling on her unchanging circumstances. Hannah did something that brought her into the inner courtyard of God’s presence: she prayed with determination.

And her relationship with God went from the possible to the personal, from inactive to active, from nominal to phenomenal.

I heard a teaching today about prayer…but not the way we ususally think of prayer…the point was being made that God already knows what we have need of before we even ask.  Ever think of that…and have you ever questioned why, if He already knows, do we need to pray about it?

 I have.  

Because my long journey with the Lord has been a constant pondering about prayer and how to do it.   There are so many types of prayer and where do we start?

 screen_shot_2012-09-10_at_10.18.10_amWhat has really set me free is the fact that I have pressed into a very personal relationship with a very real God through His Son Jesus and the freedom has come in my “just talking to Him”.

Every day…

All day…

About everything.

So, I prefer to call prayer, “talking to Jesus”…It just makes it more personal to me.

 That teacher this morning said we pray to Him to release our own FAITH….

woman-praying-clipart-LcKdoepEiMY FAITH ACTIVATES MY PRAYERS IN HIS PRESENCE.

That is why we ask!

It is acknowledging the fact that you are believing Him for His absolute involvement in your life and your desires, your healings, your journey….

There are many types of ways to pray, or talk to God.

Right now I am studying about Warfare.

warrior angel 2We know we don’t fight flesh and blood, but principalities and wickedness in high places.   We are seated in the heavenly realm in the spirit to adequately combat the enemy and all his forces of hell that want to defeat us on every level.   But we have the power that raised up Jesus from the dead dwelling on the inside of us.   We have the power to fight off those wicked spirits and be victorious.

Having been beaten down and disappointed, do you find it hard to boldly and specifically ask God for something in prayer?

I know I do.

But here Hannah was, at the lowest point in her life, offering up a request that she had probably thought a thousand times. The Bible says we don’t receive because we don’t ask. Don’t give up on asking for what you most desire. And do it believing that God gives good gifts to those who ask because He does, and He is a rewarder of all who seek Him.

545570_417758148257124_357419294_n (1)Let’s not linger at the gate of God’s presence, going through the motions of worshipping God and yet holding sadness and bitterness in our hearts.

Let’s count ourselves as ones who have been brushed by His greatness and honored to have the profound privilege of talking to God on every level and make our requests known.  

Let’s rejoice that He gave His power to us to combat the evil one dwelling on this earth.  And we can do that well.   It just takes determination! 

jesus6He did NOT leave us here powerless and defeated.  But as His children, we are equipped to walk within His Kingdom in the here and now.

2 Steps to Ponder When Our “Picture” Cuts Us Off From Reality

Thinking business woman looking up on speech empty bubble isolated on white background

I have always created pictures in my mind of the outcomes I want to see that weren’t what was really happening.   I created pictures of my situations in life in my mind that were not reality and I lived that way off and on until only just recently.    I thought I had a handle on it, but still found residue of this ability I had so carefully constructed in so many areas.  

The mind is a powerful thing, and is the source of all our battles with the enemy.

How many of you know that God heals us and corrects us in layers?  

Like pealing an onion…one layer at a time.  We can’t handle it all at once.

 

1 Corinthians 13: in the message says:

12 We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

  I wrote about my ability to create my own reality in my first book,

51u5NRnNcGL “Climbing Out of the Box.”   (Which you can find on Amazon)  

It started when I was a victim of incest as a child and I learned to remove myself from what was happening and would create a happy and safe environment to dwell in that wasn’t reality.   I was forever being disappointed when my picture didn’t line up with what was really happening.   It was a way to cope.   As an adult it is an easy and tempting thing to slip back into and I have to be on my guard most of the time.   But I am a grown up now, not the child victim.  

 The problem comes when we convince ourselves that we need a certain outcome — and that it has to happen on our  timeline, in the way we’ve pictured it.

 sb_passiveagressive2When we try to control outcomes, and make them fit our pictures, we cut ourselves off from the loving protection of God  and let fear begin to rule our thoughts.

Fortunately, in any given moment you have a choice to change.

 

You can choose to reconnect with the reality of overcoming our circumstances instead of living in a false reality,  thus enabling the enemy to continue to cause us pain in lives.

 mind-clutterHere are some  steps to follow to remind yourself of your  powerful connection with Jesus so that you may begin to walk in the power to overcome that He has provided for you.

Step 1:

Be determined to see your circumstances with God’s eyes.  Ask Him for His eyes to see clearly…not what you have created for yourself to see. eye

What are you saying, out loud or to yourself, that’s disconnecting you from your power?  

thumb_colourbox1908348Identify your story. 

Once you’ve identified your real story, take a moment to get real about how it makes you feel. Recognize the way your words and beliefs block the manifestation of what you are praying about to begin to occur in your life..

What is the number one negative story that you have on repeat in your brain, and how does it make you feel?

Your honesty is what will open  the door for you to remember and accept the power of God to change your circumstances or enable you to accept the place you are at in this part of your season.

Once you’ve identified your story, immediately say out loud: “I am more than an conqueror in all of my circumstances”    You, my friend are a child of the King of Kings.

You have to let go of your fear.  1209389_575103479218871_301732771_n

 Step 2:

Turn it over to the Lord of your heart, Jesus,  and be patient.

Talk to Him with certainty and thank Him for giving you a clear picture of your life and a clear picture of what He wants to accomplish in you.  Be patient within His fruit of patience.

 Try not to control your picture, but let Him create a new picture for you.   Your sign from Him will be crystal clear if you’re going in the right direction.  He will show you His will for you right now.   And remember that if it’s not clear, it is time to trust Him and be patient and learn what waiting on Him really means.

 There may be some personal fears you need to clear up, or perhaps faith you need to strengthen, before you can get it.

 When you try to control an outcome or even a time frame, you cut off your ability to be patient for the outcomes and disconnect from all the infinite possibilities that could occur.

 potter-pottery-art-handicraft-indiaSurrender to the Lord  and remember that nothing can take away your true power that is yours in Christ and His love and peace within you.  Let Him mold you into who He has created you to become.

 What would happen if you chose to be thankful and content in the place you are in right now?   

 Or if you are in a really trying, and grief filled place right now, asking Him to strengthen and hold you up while you navigate the waters of pain?    He promises to surround you with Himself every minute of the day.   And nothing ever stays the same.   You can endure until change comes within His strength.

 But you have to invite this to happen..

 or you could ignore it….

or forget that it is yours….and walk in defeat and fear.

 

brokenchainsIt is all a choice on your part. 

 

We Have to Put the Basket With the Baby in the Water

copy-of-a-mothers-sacrifice-johebed-mirium-and-mosesI used to agonize over how my children and grandchildren would turn out.  When I saw them making poor choices I would try to ‘fix it’ for them so they wouldn’t experience the pain I knew was sure to come. 

When they were little it was easier to do this and be in complete control of what their choices were…but as they got older and became their own person I began to realize I was losing that control, and fear would grip me.  

Father-and-child-holding-hands-247x300As a parent you learn with each new year in the upbringing of your children that each year you have to let go a little more if you want them to learn how to grow up and make good choices.  From the time that baby takes his first step he is always moving away from you.  Oh, at first they toddle into your arms, but soon they start toddling off to explore on their own.

And the years accumulate…and one day you have grandchildren.   As a grandparent you feel a whole new set of worries and even more the lack of control as  your offspring grows and develops. 

The cycle goes on and one.

All throughout my children’s lives I prayed Psalm 91 over them and it brought me great peace for His constant intervention in their lives. 

That because “ they  dwell in the secret place of the Most High they shall remain stable and fixed under the shadow of the Almighty Whose power no foe can withstand.” 

And I would pray the whole 91st Psalm through with their names right in there.

I also prayed Isaiah 54:13

jesus and boyAnd all my children shall be disciples, taught by the Lord and obedient to His will, and great shall be the peace and undisturbed composure of my children.”

Now, my adult children have learned the value of praying the words of God’s own protection over their own families.

One day as I was praying for my grand kids and trying to not worry about their lives that I had less control over, Jesus spoke to me.

This is what He said:

“Dixie, did you not pray my word over your children all the years they were growing up?”

“Yes, Lord, you know I did.”

Do you think my word returns to me void?  That it just fades away,  or does it accomplish the very thing you have prayed in the lives of your children ?”

“I believed and have witnessed your word at work in them always, and I know they love you and are protected by you..so the answer is YES!”

“Do you believe your grandchildren are your children too?  And are They a part of you?”

Starting to get it now, I said, “Why, yes they are!”   Then He said,

That same word that you prayed for so many years for your babies, now covers your grand babies as well…my word never stops and always accomplishes what I sent it out to do.  Your faithfulness to pray will cover your generation and generations to come will know me because of your prayers.”

Light Dawning!!   Wow!

So, here is what He showed me.

 

Baby-Moses-EBack in the time of Moses, Pharaoh felt threatened by the Israelites and ordered all the midwives to kill any baby boys born to the Israelite people by drowning them in the Nile River. 

But Moses’ mother wouldn’t have it.  She hid him as long as she could, and when she could no longer hide him, she put him in a basket and put the basket in the water among the reeds of the Nile. 

The very river that could have drowned him was now his refuge. 

She had no idea what would happen to her baby, but she trusted the plan of God for her and her baby. 

As we know, baby Moses was drawn out of the water and would one day grow to become one of the greatest heroes of the Bible – the one who would rescue God’s people from slavery and lead them to the Promised Land.

There comes a time – many times, actually – in the lives of our children where we have to put the basket in the water.  Being a Mom, and a Nana I have had to do this many times and not without much pain. 

Gosh, it is so hard to let go of them, isn’t it?

We have to let go and trust the plan of the Father.  The world is a scary place – a place where we fear our children could drown.  But we must remember that we have to let go so that God can draw them from the waters for His great purpose.  He has called us to be their parents, but they were His first. 

My friend, whatever water you may be getting ready to put your basket into – whether your days as a stay-at-home-mom are ending as your child starts preschool soon or if your baby has grown into a high school graduate and is getting ready to leave your home, or if your children are grown and have babies of their own – remember that you have to put them in the water for God to draw them out and place them into His perfect plan.

father-and-son-4-300x200
Though you might not be physically present with your child as much during the next phase of life, you can always call for  the heart of the Father on their behalf.  And when you do this, that same Spirit that Jesus left with His disciples – that same Helper – intercedes for you, and in that you can find peace. And it doesn’t stop when they are grown.   He will continue to cover them and intercede for them and their children as life goes on.  

You are doing great.  Find His peace in the fact that He will sustain you and your offspring for always.   Your prayers are NEVER wasted!!

angel

Job well done, friend.

 

“God Told Me You Had a Gun”…..Lisa’s Story

praying-womanRecently, my ladies bible study group has been discussing the many aspects and types of prayer available for us to pray.  I really prefer the words, “talking to Jesus”, over prayer.  It becomes so much more personal to me when I think of prayers being a continuous conversation with Jesus every day.  It enhances my intimacy with Him and my awareness of just how interested He is in every part of my life.  And it isn’t just me speaking all the time…..He gets to talk too!  And most of the time, I write down what He says, and go back and read His words from time to time as a reminder.

We are never more anxious to receive from God than He is willing to provide.  Let’s quit acting like we are bothering God!  Beth Moore said, “Prayer is accepting a royal summons to the throne room of the king for breakfast with your dad.  He says, Come here child, I’ve got something to give you today.   And it’s just what you needed and sought and you are so relieved.”    gods glory

We don’t know what the direction will be but we know our father will give it.

When you have this kind of prayer intimacy with God, you will learn to recognize when He is wanting your attention and wants to teach you new avenues of prayer, such as warfare against a very real enemy.

So, I am going to tell you of my experience with “Lisa” a number of years back that I find amazing still, even today.   I have written of this experience before in my blogging, but I have even more revelation to it now and am still just as amazed.

 This is the story:

For weeks every time I grew contemplative or was talking to Jesus,  a picture of a hand gun would materialize in my mind.  If I was walking by a television and a program was on where a gun was being shot, I would jump as if I was the one being shot at.  A picture of a gun on a billboard would seem to be pointed right at me.  gun shop

 

The eerie feeling just wouldn’t go away.  

 At first I thought my imagination was working overtime but somehow I knew this was a puzzle I obviously was missing a piece to. I began to live every day in expectancy of finding out what this gun consciousness was about.

At the time I was leading a weekly women’s bible study and doing some lay Christian counseling as a result of reaching out to the community with my bible study. 

His gentle Spirit was teaching me how to totally rely on Him during these times for I felt so insignificant in the enormity of so many problems that women and men face.  I never wanted to do anything without His help and in my own reasoning’s as I felt inadequate within myself.  I felt it was imperative that I set “me” aside and listen to what the Holy Spirit would say in how to handle each one. 

Sometimes, I would be perplexed at what He would have me say to a woman and even more amazed when I would see her set free in areas of her life to move forward.

One particular woman, whom I will call Lisa, was a real challenge.  I learned many things as I counseled with Lisa on a weekly basis.  This middle-aged-woman had many problems and desired the Lord’s healing and direction for her life.  I would just listen to her many issues and offer support and pray for her.  Sometimes I would simply counsel her in the many challenges she faced in her sad life.

The counseling went on for many months with Lisa.  Then the visions of the gun began.  As I prayed and asked God about it I started feeling that the gun issue was somehow connected to Lisa.   

I couldn’t help but start to get nervous when she would come to our meetings carrying a backpack, wondering if the gun was in her backpack and she was going to go crazy and shoot me.   I listened to her intently in our private meetings to see if there would be a mention of guns but there never was. gun

I thought about the gun almost continuously for at least 3 months while I spent time with this woman. The feeling really began to shake my faith and I wondered if I was being warned by God to stay away from Lisa.   I noticed every gun shop in any place, in any town, and it seemed like they were on every corner, though that wasn’t the case.    

I continued to pray for the Holy Spirit to reveal to me what this meant.

One night I had a dream that someone was in my front yard with a gun and it was night.  Lisa pulled up in a car and got out and this unknown person shot her and she fell dead on the lawn.  I was horrified but went to her and began to pray earnestly. 

To my amazement she was raised from the dead.  Needless to say, I prayed all the more for Lisa after this dream and wondered where all this would lead. Jesus-By-My-Side-342x200

Counseling her became a strain on me and I had to fight fear as this revelation became more pronounced.  I has this sense of  awareness and just “knew” that Lisa owned a gun and as I saw her growing more despondent I gave way to much prayer on her behalf (and, truth be told, mine too!)

Then one evening the most astounding revelation happened.  I was teaching at my bible study and was quite tired as the staff took over with passing an offering basket to pay for overhead costs of the study.    I sat on the stairs in front of the group of ladies preparing myself to pray for those who would come after the meeting was dismissed. 

As the offering basket was being passed I looked up just as I saw Lisa drop something into the basket that wasn’t money but something else, but I could not tell what it was.  After the meeting was all over and most of the other women had left Lisa walked over and sat beside me on the steps.

“Did you see what I dropped into the offering basket?” she asked.  I told her I had seen her drop something but didn’t know what it was.  She got up and went over to the offering and took the mysterious object out, walked over to me, took my hand in hers, and dropped a bullet into it. man-holding-bullets-hand-two-30433144

I just sat and stared at it with my mouth hanging open.

“This is your bullet isn’t it?” I whispered.

“Yes, it is for my gun,” she replied.

“God told me you had a gun,” I told her.

“I know” she said with resignation.

Lisa then began to tell me her story.  The reason she brought the bullet and gave it as an offering was because of something that had happened the previous Thursday night.

She had felt totally despondent.  She had taken her revolver, and the one bullet she kept for it,  into the closet with plans of taking her life. standing-bullet-1138905_960_720

She said as she sat on the floor of the closet she lifted the gun to her head and pulled the trigger.

It would not go off.  She tried for half an hour to get the gun to discharge the bullet, but, mysteriously, it would not. 

She then broke down and cried and Jesus spoke to her heart, revealing that the ladies of the bible study were praying and the prayers had broken the bonds of death that had a deep grip on her.  

She literally could not kill herself because of the power of God and the power of obedient women to pray.  God’s overwhelming love then flooded her as she sat in the closet and broke and wept before the Lord for hours. 

She declared her life was totally turned around at that moment.

women prayingAs I thought back to that  same Thursday night, I remembered that was the night I had met with our staff to pray for the ladies of the study and I was again overwhelmed with the image of Lisa and a gun.  We all then began to pray in earnest for Lisa, especially, and someone even mentioned a spirit of death over her.   

I remembered feeling a relief as we prayed that night and believed that whatever it was with the gun and Lisa, it was taken care of in the spirit that very night.  The gun awareness seemed to vanish.

I realized when I spoke with Lisa that while we were praying for her, it was the same night and at the same time that she was in the closet trying to pull the trigger. 

I have often wondered if we had not prayed what would have happened to Lisa.

I think back to this time often and use it in teaching obedience when we feel the urgings of God to seek His face on another’s behalf. 

And how to wait and trust when He is revealing something we need to see as we are praying.

I have been talking to Jesus for 45 years now, and I am still learning so much more about the many facets of communicating and obedience in the spirit realm of communication with God!

Do we ever stop learning?  I think not.

As His children He wants to teach us true Kingdom living.  He wants us to know how much He wants to use us, move through us, love through us, and reach others through our obedience and transparencies. 

woman-571715_640In our obedience to live in Him and obey when He impresses us to move on what He shows us, we can witness mighty things happen in the here and now.

When the Chains Fall Off…Then What?

Broken-ChainsJennifer, (not her real name), came to me for coaching… a broken person, chained to a very unhealthy relationship, unable to break free; trying to make peace with her abusive childhood and years of abuse to follow–in a place she thought she would never be free of, and miserable inside.   

I discerned right away her servant’s heart and her desire to reach out to others that were hurting or needing to know that someone cares.  

You see, God used her past to equip Jennifer to have a heart of not only empathy, but true compassion towards a very broken world, and He led her to seek deliverance from her past.   Her loyalty, dedication, and obedience were so evident for all to see.

378095_526317080764178_826390852_n-3After a few months of coaching,  Jennifer found the courage to walk out of her pain, break all ties with a very controlling and consuming relationship that was toxic to her, and begin her process of healing.  She saw her value in the Kingdom of God and became eager to get on with it.  It was amazing to watch!

Her potential was evident from the beginning and to get to witness her freedom break forth first hand is a privilege I never grow tired of. 

What a joy to watch this woman of such faith and heart truly share the real essence of Jesus wherever she goes.   This week I received the following message from her that I share with her permission.  When asked if she minded if I shared her journey with thousands,  this was her response: 

Well,  to me it is important to keep you posted since YOU had such a big part in my healing process. I wouldn’t  be where I am at this point if it wasn’t for all those sessions. And yes, I’m proud of what I’m able to work on at this point and am happy to let you share with others.  It’s those stories that help the lost ones to see there is a light if they just open their hearts and mind to it!”

 

So here is her report.  For the record this was written while she was recovering from a knee replacement and eager to get on with her business in the “ministry.”

jesus and me“Good morning, thought about you when I was making my weekly to do list.

I wanted to share all the serving opportunities that came my way the last couple of months!

I’m waiting on my first assignment from Hospice and Mary and I are involved in a couple of special events at the church. We’ll be part of an Easter egg hunt at our church as well, and we are helping to feed the homeless at a shelter in the city. This is a great time for the two of us to spend some time together! 

I’m also helping at the food basket and hope we get a chance to feed the homeless here with a hot meal if I can get enough interest. As soon as I can I’m going to check with the Chamber to see what is available and find out if there are others in the community who want help.

I had a lot of time to pray for guidance and different opportunities just presented themselves, all in His timing I’m sure!

Thank you again for helping me out of my hurt and confusion, I’m happy to be part of the world around me!   I forgot the most exciting part cause the dog started digging out of the yard while I was E-mailing you… A few days ago one of my friends from the old church put a request on her Face book page. She started a ministry to go visit and pray with women in jail at the prison nearby.   Well I guess they also write them and I signed up to be a pen pal for a young lady who just accepted Jesus as her savior! The girls got me some stationary a while back and now I can put it to good use!”

Jennifer is finding her completeness in just stepping out and praying for Jesus to allow her to see the opportunities and she grabs them up.  

praying-womanThe opportunities are endless, friends!   The more the world seems to be going crazy the more the church needs to get free of the strongholds that bind them and start looking for those opportunities to be His arms extended!!

What a privilege to  help others  know the love of the Father.  Someone said people who are loved well, love well. And you can help those around you right now in whatever life you’re already in.

 Most true ministry is performed person-to-person in our spare time among friends, family, work contacts or people we know. I believe it is best if we don’t try to make it vocational and try to create the opportunity for ourselves…true ministry is not where you have to quit your day job or leave your kids and husband to go out to a mission field…(though some may be called there). But most true ministry is right where you have been planted.

254865_440342676028286_2145415378_n I’ve known many people who grow unsettled in their jobs or their motherhood and think that it is God leading them into “full time” ministry.  Away from the ministry field of their family standing right in front of them.  This, though, is often laced with a personal need to find fulfillment and feel significant in his kingdom.  And they sometimes DO quit their job and jump into a ministry and then struggle financially trying to figure out a way to do it and pay the bills.

Some people will try to raise support from their friends, or create some kind of product to sell to others, hoping it will finance their dreams. It rarely does. Instead of serving others, they will spend significant time getting others to serve their vision.

A friend once said, “Sharing the life of his kingdom is a way of living first, not a vocation.”

When the opportunity is there, so will the resources be.

What is on your heart today to do for the Kingdom?   Pray for the Lord to open doors for you and then pray you will be alert and willing when He does.   Don’t think He won’t answer.  He is looking for those  he can use in a lost and dying world.  If YOU are broken then find the ministry from someone you trust to help you heal first.  Start your journey today!

If my friend Jennifer can do the work it takes to find her healing and be so thrilled to serve when she has spent so many years suffering and holding her head above water, then you and I can do it too.   He is not a respecter of persons!!

545570_417758148257124_357419294_n (1)Be encouraged, my friend.  Jesus is not done with you yet!

The Empty Jelly Jar and the Little Girl

empty-jar-jam-like-blood-spoon-45563171

The following story was sent to me recently by a client I am coaching.   I use it with her permission…it was too good not to share!

 

”I felt like having toast.  I love toast.

I don’t eat it often- ok I don’t eat it as often as I would like. 

As a middle aged woman, toast is not my friend; however I find comfort in a warm crunchy slice of bread.  This morning is no exception and my desire for toast is magnified by the cold, dark, rainy day today.  Seriously,  it is pouring out. 

I love rainy days,  especially if I can stay inside with my thoughts and of course my toast.

jelly-toastAs my toast is cooking and my mind is all over the place; Fridays tend to put me in a hopeful, dreadful mood. Hopeful that Steve and I will have quality time together even amongst the household chores;  

and dreadful because one day of every weekend “HAS” to be spent with her, you know,  the egg donor person.

I don’t think my brain has got over the Friday thing yet,  but in time I pray the dread will leave and only hope will float (sorry I had to do it).

I went to the fridge to get my favorite Jelly.   I don’t use butter anymore.  I have learned that my beloved toast tastes just as good with just jelly.

The jar I selected was almost empty, I really had to work to get enough for two slices of toast and the funny thing is,  as I was scraping my jar a thought so strong and powerful hit me and made me want to tell you this story.

weeds n jelly jar
Have your children ever picked you wild flowers (I am sure they have) sometimes,  and  it is really just weeds… but they run in to give them to you –so full of love that those little weed flowers appear to be the highest quality florists flowers. 

Usually the stems are short with roots and dirt attached from being yanked out of the ground.

As good Moms we want to display the flowers for all to see and for ourselves as the sweetest reminder we are loved and worthy moms. 

Finding a container for such a short stem can be difficult,  hence the Jelly Jar.  As I was cleaning out the magical fruit inside my jar this morning it hit me so hard; 

I never gave my Mother flowers for a jelly jar.  She wasn’t a Mommy and would have seen them as nothing but weeds and most likely would have had me throw them out.

 It hurt.

picking-flowers-391610_960_720It made me sad, and honestly I saw myself visually like a movie– as a little girl standing in a field with my hand full of wild flowers, roots, dirt and all- lost because I had no one to give my flowers to. 

As I write this I am feeling so sad for that little girl I want to run,  not walk,  out to the field to grab her, hug her and put her flowers in my empty jelly jar.

Is this part of healing? 

These glimpses of what I did not have?  I know we are supposed to look at what we do have and be grateful and,  trust me,  I am grateful.  I was 18  with a baby,  followed by rent,  a car payment,  a job, and a husband  and I had to struggle… and still do, and I am grateful for so much.

Yet,  I feel as if I need to see what I didn’t have with clarity, real clarity…

Not the excuses that have been made… or excuses I have made to cover so much dysfunction and loss.

I don’t think I see not having (money or things) as a very big deal as long as we can have a roof and toast.  I am cool,  haha- seriously I am not a big thing person. 

I am far too emotional and I need relationships… especially ones I can click with in my empathic way,  (gift? still struggling with that).

 I just want someone to give my flowers to for their Jelly Jar. For me it really is as simple as that.  I don’t know why at my age these losses have been more active in my heart and mind.   I look forward to your help in figuring this out.

Jesus-By-My-Side-342x200I do think I need to mourn a whole bunch and not for the loss of a Mother,  but for the loss of the little girl, if that makes sense?

I really feel when I can say good bye to the little girl and let her be free,  the mother will dissolve.  My gosh that sounds crazy!

…but I am writing it because it is exactly what I am thinking.  I think I might have been mourning the wrong person all along.  I have always thought if I felt sorry for the little girl I was selfish,  but right this second I don’t feel that at all.  

I think I will go wash out my Jelly Jar and as soon as the rain stops go find some wild flowers for it from the little girl.

Gosh…I am crying and as usual it feels so sad.

But I have had some weird break through this morning.

It’s not my loss of a mother it’s the loss of ME,

217842_397562620306292_898119185_n… a me who was never allowed to be.”

 

Is there anyone out there that relates to this story like my client has?  This is what I felt Jesus saying after I read this.

This is soul wearying.

Because you may have been hurt,— by words that wound you still — that made you regret that you ever opened up.

Words that made you feel even smaller than how you’re already feeling…words that never felt important to those you loved.

Words that make you feel pressured to get over what you can’t get over.

Words that make you feel more alone, standing on the outside of where you want to be: belonging, loved and understood.

It’s then, in that realization, at that moment, you and I chance upon a glimpse into our soul.

Father-and-child-holding-hands-247x300To the little girl inside us who is broken, feeling cast off and lonely.

Jesus has a way of slipping in his love notes, to reach that wounded child within us….even in empty jelly jars.

Do you feel the  still, quiet whisper of Jesus speaking to the child in you?

There is a place here and now that Jesus has been preparing for us that has  been wounded.

That place is your soul, where Jesus has been doing deep, healing work — because you are valuable.

There is a place in this world for you and, in fact, a wonderful plan, just for you… and there always was…it was just so covered up by pain.

Because Jesus understands us.

Because He loves us as we are.

So go pick those flowers today and allow that inner child to blossom forth in healing and restoration.  Realize that He is always more than enough to fill every vacant and aching place within you with the wonderful essence of Himself.

530443_10150790377567355_563857079_n“And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.  No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  Romans 8:36-39